Pillow Talk

What...what...WHAT was it like to be Sarah Brown this morning? Kids crying, marital kingsize double smashed to smithereens, duvet ripped to shreds, her husband the hero, a deflated blancmange of political self-harm, slumped by her side. What a morning after. Gordy licking bleeding stumps where once there were chewed finger nails, undone by a short fuse and not one but two tiny OAPs: Rochdale's very own Gillian Duffy and Sky's very owner Keith Rupert Murdoch AC, KSG. All the carefully crafted PR and meticulously chosen red wedges in the world will not be able to put this particular humpty dumpty back together again. Can't wait for the debate.

How To Be Funny2

Is Gordon Brown calling a bigoted old woman a bigot funny? Will today's Rochdale clanger rank alongside Kinnockio's "Waal alright!!" or Prezza's knuckle sandwich in the pantheon of Labour suicide notes? Personally I've still got a soft spot for Lord K's arse over tip moment on Brighton Beach in '83. Waal alright!!!

Half Empty

Yet more bearded wisdom

Half Empty

More bearded wisdom

Half Empty

So much noise, so much chatter, so much twaddle...Unlike the bearded one above I don't blame Fry, I blame Di and all that 'People's Princess' claptrap. Since the sainted one snuffed it in Paris a rash of roadside tributes have materialised in the wake of any untimely death, politicians have taken to calling themselves Tony, Dave or Nick and every Tom, Dick or Mary with a keyboard has the power to force our so-called leaders into humiliating apologies and cringe-making personal statements. In the absence of anything resembling a coherent political debate we have an avalanche of opinion, a mess of mea culpas and for the next five minutes or so, the phenomenon known as 'Cleggmania'.

The Years Of Achievement

Monday and that stupid Geldof song is whirling around my head. Weird weekend full of images of people in running shoes dressed as the Angel of the North or a pint of Tetleys desperately trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records. To leave a mark on history alongside the pork pie eaters, balloon bursters, pole squatters and fattest, thinnest, shortest, tallest homo sapiens of their generation. All trying to be somebody - anybody - as long as somebody else notices. Like Brenda Ann Spencer without the ammunition.

Cleggery

And so it came to pass - the GREAT DEBATE PART 2. Thanks to GD Part1 we now have confirmed what we always suspected (but couldn't be arsed to look up) that Dave Clegg (Westminster and Cambridge) is just as posh as Nick Cameron (Eton and Oxford). Striking ancestry, high-born wife, oodles of family loot. In other words as much a part of the 'political establishment' as he decries when referring to his two opponents. But who could fail to be amused by the flip-floppy flailing he induced in the sorry pair last week and hope for some more of the same tonight. Particularly if the Westminster boy can land a few haymakers on the smug mug of Cam. Gordy, quite frankly, looks too punchy already to deserve anything other than the hand of friendship and a place in the newly-elected Second Chamber.

Oh Mandy

Well - it could happen. Cable's been Clegged, Darling's been dimmed, the Bullingdon bubble has burst and we look like we're heading for a parliament that's not hanging by a chad but from the gallows of public indifference and indecision. Who better to wriggle into the Void than the Ermine Snake. Last seen tripping the light fantastic with a bewildered Blackpool golden girl, this might just be the moment that our favourite Spinmeister of Darkness has spent his wicked Wilderness Years planning for. And why not?

How To Be Funny

Mondays eh?

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So, out-Blaired by Clegg on the Big Debate eh Dave? Does that mean that naughty Nick is a better Bliar than you or, as we all suspect, there is even less substance to your bid for power than there was to the gleaming 1997 Tone's great leap forward? All your Big Society, Great Ignored guff fell to the studio floor in front of an expectant nation like dust from a distant volcano. These rumblings off are going to get much louder Dave you air-brushed poltroon.

Big Society

More tripe from the man who would be PM. Keep it up Dave, you posh knob.

The Blame Game

Has anyone bothered to tell His Holeyness Pope Rat and his closest confidantes that they can't simply spin their way out of the self-inflicted mess they're well and truly in? The latest in a depressing and pathetic parade of papal apologists is no less a person than the rodent pontiff's second in command, a previously obscure bundle of prejudices named Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone. Last week Cardinal Angelo Sodano (I know, it's hard to keep up with all these cardinals) laid into the 'Zionists' (i.e. Jews) for stirring up the paedophile scandal; this week it's Bertone with the equally outrageous allegation that it was the gays wot done it. This whole mess could be laid at the feet (or any other anatomical part) of the sodomites. Nothing to do with celibacy, a culture of silence, or the ridiculous notion of papal infallibility. No it's the sons and daughters of Sodom and Zion that are to blame - uniting in common cause the Church of Rome and the perpetrators of the Holocaust. Not that that's ever happened before....

The Great Ignored

So here it comes at last - the Next Big Tory Idea. After the NI fix it's the Big Marriage Fix. A hansome 3 quid a week for the ones who stick together, whatever the weather, is 'Modern' Dave's idea of 'Change'. Half a billion quid of additional National Debt to enable the couples who hang in however trying the circumstances, to pick up the price of a Pint each and every week of the year for the rest of their matrimonially blissful days. Did I hear somebody shout 'Major'? The grey ghost of the grey man hangs over this sparkling 'New' policy initiative like a rain cloud at a wedding. What is this obsession with Marriage? And how in anybody's name is 3 quid going to keep the shoddy show on the road?

Social Networking

So, in the absence of anything resembling a decent policy differential (or even a decent policy), the three main parties have no choice but to bludgeon us with spin. Bliar's legacy lives on in the physical form of the slithering Mandy and the virtual reality of the thing called social networking. Teams of bright young things (i.e. people who know how to work a computer programme) are engaged in turning the twitteringfacebookingmyspacing masses into the reddish, blueish, yellowish 'friends' of Gordon, Dave or Dave 2. The kind of friends who spend their social networking time informing their so-called 'friends' that the sun is out or that they've just fed the cat.

The New Pope

I know, I know, I really should leave this child molesting cover-up thing alone but that would be playing right into their hands. A recent favourite of mine was the re-use of the geriatric pontiff's exceptionally offensive phrase "idle chatter" by Vatican lickspittle Cardinal Angelo Sodano as part of the Roman Church's Easter celebrations. According to the Cardinal, the Church would not be deflected from its infallible course by loose talk about p**doph*le pr**sts. Like who's handling their PR? Hopefully they'll take note of my cartoony suggestion above - if anyone can dig them out of the mountain of merde they're currently in (and you really are Cardinal S whatever you may want to think) Signore Silvio surely stands at the head of the pack. Prime Minister, corrupt businessman, TV Uber-Mogul, former crooner, ladies man, lifelong Catholic, rightwingextremist, Scandal survivor and National Joke - let's surround the shiny one in white smoke without delay, phone a few henchmen and clean up this mess right here, right now...Dominus Vobiscum everybody.

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So Dave's gone all inclusive has he? NEW Dave vs OLD Tory ideas. BIG Society vs NO SUCH THING AS Society, REAL Change vs NO NEED TO Change, NHS vs Private. All tosh of course but the best one of all is his GREAT IGNORED. "They may be black or white. They may be rich or poor. They may live in the town or the country.” Hold on a minute Dave - RICH or poor? Since when were the Rich on the list of the needy? Does that include the shower of 'Ignored' multi-millionaire businessmen currently bleating about the 1p rise in NI to help Dave's shoddy cause? Dunno about Great Ignored - what I do recognise is the GREAT IGNORAMUS who once ran the PR machine for the late and hugely unlamented telly franchise known as Carlton TV. We really do need to keep talking about who you really are Dave.

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And Lo! - it may soon come to pass that a public school tosser even oiler than the freshly tanned Tone may be installed as the Man Who Came To Save Us All sometime in May. David William Donald Cameron (call me 'Dave') husband of Samantha Gwendoline Sheffield (call me 'SamCam') is offering us a post-Obama commitment to change. Which is a bit odd. Conservatism = change Dave? Is that the same conservatism that my dictionary describes as "Favoring traditional views and values; tending to oppose change"?

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Happy Good Friday everyone